글쓰기 메뉴
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바다

바다는 넓고, 깊다.
마치 날 사랑해주시는 어머니 처럼,
마치 날 자랑스러워 해주시는 아버지 처럼,
넓고 깊다.
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자학

? 뭘 어떻게 해. 답은 하나야. 헤어져. 간단해.
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두려움

자꾸만 커져만 가는데
더 두려워지는데...
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옆자리

마냥 평범해보였던 옆자리의 너,
지금 내게 가장 필요한 것
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내가 직접 말하는 것은 조금 그렇지만, 이렇게 말해보려고 한다. 나는 외톨이다. 말하자면 세상의 피해자.
그것이 나.
변하지 않는 나.
세상은 이렇게나 넓은 데, 왜 내가 있을 자리는, 내가 돌아갈 장소는, 왜 없을까? 하며 허탈하게 웃어보기도 한다. 하지만 사각형의 원룸, 나는 나의 집이라는 그 장소도, 무서워졌다. 
친구가 괜찮을거야 라고 위로해도, 그 말이 거짓임을 알기에 나는 안심하기 힘들었다.
누군가에게 도움을 요청할 시간은 이미 지나버렸기에, 나는 이렇게 나를 도와주는 척, 글이라도 적어보자.
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어른이 된다는 건

예전에는, 마냥 어릴 때 마치 세상에는 온갖 행복으로 차있는 것 처럼 느낄 때는 어른이 되고싶었다 . 시간을 재촉하면서까지 그렇게 어른이 되고 싶었다. 그러나 요즘 왜 난 어른이 된다는 게 너무나 두려운 걸까. 지금 난 커간다는게 너무나 무섭다 살아갈 수록 나에게 더해지는 기대들에대해 보답하지 못할 것 같은 두려움에 쌓여있는 것 같다. 내가 가고있는 이 길이 진정으로 맞는 길일지 내가 잘 찾아가고 있는 것인지 내 목적지는 있는 것인지 난 잘 모르겠다 .
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짝사랑

나는 너를 사랑하니까, 너의 모든 것을 받아드릴 준비가  되어있어. 그런데 왜 이렇게 가슴이 아파올까?
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노래

먼 옛날 세상이 노래를 할 때면 연금술사는 춤을 춘다고 하더라
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평생

때때론 솔직함이 
때때론 순간의 기쁨이
평생의 아픔을 안겨줄지
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한칸

자리한칸 비우자고 결심했다
담아뒀던 두려움과
불안함을 비워두고
자리한칸 비우자고 결심했다
빈자리엔 무었으로 채워둘지
아직까진 모르지만
자리한칸 비우자고 결심했다
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고통

나중에는, 지금의 아픈것들 모두 별 것 아니였다고
웃어넘기며 지나가게 되겠지.
정말 아무것도 아니었다며 지나갈날이 오겠지.
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.
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고통

짜릿한 고통도 시간이 지나면 무뎌지고,
어느순간 그 고통에 익숙해지고,
그러다보면 더 강한고통에 또다시 아픔을 느끼고,
무심코 내려다본 이 찢어져 너덜너덜해진 몸에서

떨어지는 피들은 그 무뎌짐의 증거인가…
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책의 두꺼움.
그안에 많은것들을
내걸로 만들기위한 과정
그 뿌듯함은
말로설명할수 없다.
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짝사랑

계속 몰래몰래 보고있습니다.
그대 웃는모습만으로 행복해지는 '나'
이런 바보같은 행동도
사랑입니까?
사랑입니까?
사랑입니까?
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'0'

당신을 어떤단어로 표현할수있을까요,
당신은

그냥 '0'인듯 합니다.
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고통

너에게 상처를 주기 싫었다.
그 순간 나는 너로 인해 상처를 받았다.
너에게 고통을 입히기 싫었다.
그 순간 나는 너로 인해 고통스러워졌다.
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어쩌다 보니 오늘의 꿈에도 네가 나왔다.
꿈에서 너는 내게 환하게 웃어주었다.
그런 네가 너무 눈부셨다.
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2

d
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고통의 또 다른 이름, 사랑

딩신이 고통을 안다면
고통이 가진 또 다른 이름을 안다면
당신은 사랑을 해본 것이다
사랑을 알지 못하고는 
고통을 안다고 말할 수 없으리
사랑이 있었기에, 고통이 있었고
고통이 있었기에 사랑이 있었도다
나와 넌, 사랑을 해본 것이다.
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