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How R U




괜찮아.

외로움에 익숙하니까,

그리고

언젠가 이 모든 게 끝날테니까.

괜찮아.



토닥..토닥...


다른 글들
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응어리

펀드 딸 수 없어 학교를 옮겨야 했을 때,
조가튼 Korean 내 후배를 한국 교수 통해 full funding 폭격해서 내 학교로 보낸다고 했을 때,  터키인 동료가 물었지:
'How do you feel....'
내가 답했어.
'... bitter'
내가 억울하다고 하자 
기생충이
내 곪아저린 상처를 짓밟으며
내 얼굴에 침을 뱉었지.
7년간 자기들이 감시해온 걸 자랑하며
내 게시물을 읊고 내 크레딧 카드 비밀번호를 
닉네임으로 게시글을 올리며 재미있어했지. 
자살하지 넌 왜 살아있냐고.
죽는대놓고 왜 죽냐며. 
자기들이 사생활 침해해서 게시물 댓글 정보 수집하는 게 대단한 묘수나 위협이라고 착각하더라고. 
멸시와 증오로 활활타오르더군. 
도대체 내가 뭘 잘못했지? 
아, 그렇지 태어난 게 잘못이랬지.   
내가 고통스럽다고 소리지르는 게 지긋지긋하대. 미국 대학교는 정의 justice 란 거지. 
그래서 기생충은 나를 내쫓았어.  
그들은 언제나 인터넷에 있었지.  
자기들은 1위래나. 글로벌 대학. 
10년도 더 지났다고 하기엔 진행형이네. 
매춘부 연옌과 드라마 영화로 희롱, 능욕하는 건 여전하니까. 자기들이 상처주고 괴롭혔던 트라우마를 좋아하는 연옌의 입으로 말하게 대사로 넣는 거야. 걘 지가 인기가 많아서 TV 나오는 줄 알아. 어떤 멍청한 댓글 부대원 표현으로 전성기래나. 물론, 판빙빙처럼 지령받은 표적을 꼬실려고 별 개드립에다 생쑈를 다하지. 댓글이나 블로그에 써있는대로. 메세지는 넌 감시당하고 있으며 내 손바닥 안에 갇혀 있는 더러운 생쥐다 이니까. 자기들이 훔친 이메일 댓글 숨기지 않아. 
당연히 곧이어 영국라인 표창원이 그 예능에 출연하더군. 걔 주변에 들러붙어서 지가 대중적 인지도가 높은 척. 당연히 MBC 지. 한지민 관종도 이 색히 관종일 것 같은데. 내가 좋아한다고 댓글 남겼던 욘옌은 공작활동 분야인 영화와 의류 광고를 주로 하지. 자기 분야도 아닌데. 인터넷 게시판 감시하고 스토킹 괴롭히는데 50원 썼다면 이제는 갖다버리는 액수가 억 단위야. 관종 연옌도 US citizen 을 넘어서지. 생일 되면 한채영이나 한고은 같은 미국인 써서 생일 축하한다고 다움 메인 연옌 기사로 발라버리고, 트럼프 접대한 헌혜진이나 미국 매스컴에 매춘한 BTS 등 극혐하는 걸레들은 꼭 집 근처로 보내 행사를 시키지. 
종종 살인도 하고. 
지겹고 넌더리 나. 
넌더리나.

그래서 인터넷이 바다라는데 갈 곳이 없어. 
아예 클릭은 커녕 보질 않지.
뉴스나 연예, 영화는 옵트아웃으로 설정해놓았지. 
누구의 승리일까. 
결국 내 몸 안에 생긴 응어리는 기생충의 승리. 반복과 집중의 결과.
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.
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Square

돈도 없는 주제에 
왤케 책을 사지. 
새로 산 책이 수북한데 
또 3 권을 더 산다....
정신차려
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Lovers #57

what is the perception to let go of to let in unconditional love. 
I have not much time, dear...
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Child

안녕 
딸아....