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How R U




괜찮아.

외로움에 익숙하니까,

그리고

언젠가 이 모든 게 끝날테니까.

괜찮아.



토닥..토닥...


다른 글들
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응어리

펀드 딸 수 없어 학교를 옮겨야 했을 때,
조가튼 Korean 내 후배를 한국 교수 통해 full funding 폭격해서 내 학교로 보낸다고 했을 때,  터키인 동료가 물었지:
'How do you feel....'
내가 답했어.
'... bitter'
내가 억울하다고 하자 
기생충이
내 곪아저린 상처를 짓밟으며
내 얼굴에 침을 뱉었지.
7년간 자기들이 감시해온 걸 자랑하며
내 게시물을 읊고 내 크레딧 카드 비밀번호를 
닉네임으로 게시글을 올리며 재미있어했지. 
자살하지 넌 왜 살아있냐고.
죽는대놓고 왜 죽냐며. 
자기들이 사생활 침해해서 게시물 댓글 정보 수집하는 게 대단한 묘수나 위협이라고 착각하더라고. 
멸시와 증오로 활활타오르더군. 
도대체 내가 뭘 잘못했지? 
아, 그렇지 태어난 게 잘못이랬지.   
내가 고통스럽다고 소리지르는 게 지긋지긋하대. 미국 대학교는 정의 justice 란 거지. 
그래서 기생충은 나를 내쫓았어.  
그들은 언제나 인터넷에 있었지.  
자기들은 1위래나. 글로벌 대학. 
10년도 더 지났다고 하기엔 진행형이네. 
매춘부 연옌과 드라마 영화로 희롱, 능욕하는 건 여전하니까. 자기들이 상처주고 괴롭혔던 트라우마를 좋아하는 연옌의 입으로 말하게 대사로 넣는 거야. 걘 지가 인기가 많아서 TV 나오는 줄 알아. 어떤 멍청한 댓글 부대원 표현으로 전성기래나. 물론, 판빙빙처럼 지령받은 표적을 꼬실려고 별 개드립에다 생쑈를 다하지. 댓글이나 블로그에 써있는대로. 메세지는 넌 감시당하고 있으며 내 손바닥 안에 갇혀 있는 더러운 생쥐다 이니까. 자기들이 훔친 이메일 댓글 숨기지 않아. 
당연히 곧이어 영국라인 표창원이 그 예능에 출연하더군. 걔 주변에 들러붙어서 지가 대중적 인지도가 높은 척. 당연히 MBC 지. 한지민 관종도 이 색히 관종일 것 같은데. 내가 좋아한다고 댓글 남겼던 욘옌은 공작활동 분야인 영화와 의류 광고를 주로 하지. 자기 분야도 아닌데. 인터넷 게시판 감시하고 스토킹 괴롭히는데 50원 썼다면 이제는 갖다버리는 액수가 억 단위야. 관종 연옌도 US citizen 을 넘어서지. 생일 되면 한채영이나 한고은 같은 미국인 써서 생일 축하한다고 다움 메인 연옌 기사로 발라버리고, 트럼프 접대한 헌혜진이나 미국 매스컴에 매춘한 BTS 등 극혐하는 걸레들은 꼭 집 근처로 보내 행사를 시키지. 
종종 살인도 하고. 
지겹고 넌더리 나. 
넌더리나.

그래서 인터넷이 바다라는데 갈 곳이 없어. 
아예 클릭은 커녕 보질 않지.
뉴스나 연예, 영화는 옵트아웃으로 설정해놓았지. 
누구의 승리일까. 
결국 내 몸 안에 생긴 응어리는 기생충의 승리. 반복과 집중의 결과.
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.
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고문 일지

27장의 카톡 사진을 검토해보니,
단 한 장도
더러운 기생충이 들러 붙지 않은 경우가 없다.
가수한테 들러 붙어 동영상 뿌리셨고 → 이웃 끊어버림.
심지어 레인보우 대기 현상까지 베꺼서 까댐 → 얼어붙으려고 대기중이지만 쌩깜
독일 여행은 엠병신 예능 프로에 훔쳐다 써먹었고,
안경 사진은 여군들 홍보하는데 써먹고,
요가원에는 독약먹고 뒈졌음 하는 반기문 멍청도 틀딱들이 들러 붙어 박찬호에 국제 홍보원으로 위촉 유투브에 남창 요기 추천 동영상으로 얼려 누드쑈에 엉덩이 보여주며 토쏠리게 함 → 요가원 탈퇴하고 카톡 차단. 
스쿠버하니까 더러운 US citizen 창녀, 한고은을 들러 붙여 제주도 해녀 관종, 
아티스트에는 더러운 외교부 틀딱들 사진 찍고 지랄이고,
거울 사진은 인터넷 게시물 떡밥 
영어 모임 여선생 멤버한테 들러 붙어 사진 찍어 카톡에 올렸고,
(아마 거기에서 기생충들이 꽂아 놓았던 남자들 사귀었으면 볼만 했을 것이다....)
서로 말 몇 번 섞어 보지 않은 존나 재수 없던 행정상 지도교수는 (걔네들은 병신이라 행정 허스아비가 SUPERVISION으로 되어있으면 무슨 슈퍼맨인 줄 아는 초딩 지능. 공부 안하는 공무원이 뭘 알겠나)
힐러리 공작활동 라인이자 개나 소나 병신 같은 유엔병자 다 받아주는 창녀집단 하버드 교수 저서 저자 추천인으로 삽질 공작활동해서 키워 놓았는데 나한테 보여주면서 들러붙길 구걸 (그 색히는 진짜 자격미달에 낙하산 중 낙하산인 색히. 학자로 인정할 수도 없을 뿐더러, 업적도 제로지만, 유엔 병자들의 병신미를 타고 마치 명문대 글로벌 대학의 리더인 것으로 대국민 사기꾼), 창녀 대학 하버드 나왔다는 애 붙여서
해외 체류시 섹스 정보 달라고 지랄 (자기들이 24시간 들러붙어 감시하기론 국내에선 없다고 확신하는 듯.....구삼열 반기문 UNICEF 등 유엔병자들의 유일한 공작활동 논리가 섹스 스캔들이거든. 아니정 날리듯 그렇게 한 방에 날릴려면 그 동안 사귀었던 남자들 스타일을 알아야 남자를 붙일 테니, 남자 취향도 알려 달라 지랄...  
내가 누구 때문에 이러고 사는데, 결혼못한 걸 되게 한심하다고 생각함.
뭐, 한심하긴 하지.  
사찰음식에 US Military 붙여놓고, 
진짜 너무 너무 너무 넌더리나는 superfacial한 국적, 지리 정보를 숭배하는 기생충들이라 유럽과 남미로 측근이라고 착각되는 인간을 보내 스토킹+ 추적했으며  (저급한 병신들은 국가 정보, 지리 정보, 이름, 나이 등등 육체 정보에 입각해 사람을 괴롭힘),
창녀 아이돌 붙여서 개나 소나 유화 그린다며 관종, 그림 활동에 똥물 뿌렸고,
연예인 육체 정보 나이 딱 하나 인식, 연하남에 욕정 느끼는 여자로 매도하여 나이차 나는 연예인 커플로 언론에 똥물 뿌렸으며, 
미군 노예 공작원 붙여 양조위 영화 OST 보내질 않나, 기생충들 공작 채널인 YOUTUBE 에 중경삼림 ost 쓰레기 보라고 추천 영상으로 쓸어 넣었으며 (그 여자가 17세 연하한테 채였단다.) 
정신병자 UNICEF 공작원들은 헐리우드 걸레 중 섹-파랑 17세 나이차 나는 악의 축 미국인만 골라내 언플에 똥물을 뿌렸으며, 
마약 중독자 연옌 소속사 중 패션테러리스트한테 악플 달아드렸더니 질투한다며 따박 따박
그 애 노래만 골라 카톡에 올려주시고,
판빙빙 코스프레 남창한테 Youtbe 선플 하나 달았더니, 엠병신 헤어나오질 못하고 계속 그 ost 만 보내고 앉아 있다.     
외국인 학자 한 마리는 내가 컨택했던 교수한테 들러 붙어 세미나 하고 지랄 (존나 웃겨. 지가 먼저 컨택한 것 처럼 으시대. 스토킹하는 기생충 주제에...누가 이니셔티브야.유명하다고 기생충이 여신되는 거 아니다.) 내가 컨택하면 다 지들이 빼앗아서 가로채야 하지. 정말 소름 끼치게 싫다.
갤러리 가서 사진찍은 건 대북 공작원 SM 가수들 MV 떡밥으로 전락된지 오래고,
칼 세이건은 더러운 노예 식민주의자 유시민, 대북 공작 창녀 이효리 예능에 떡밥으로 전락되었다. .
엠병신 쓰레기 예능에서 ecstatic dance (지들 수준에 뭔지도 모르는 주제에) 한다고 병신 색히 전현무가 따라하고 지랄이고...
이런 고문 활동과 폭력, 집단 윤간으로도 충분하지 않아서 지들 공작 도구 네이버 블로그써서 동호회 활동 뭐하냐고 물어 보드라고.
결론은 
카톡 사진 27장을 보니 관계가 다 끊어졌다..
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Car

- 자살하는 거야?
- 운전하는 거라고. driving a car.
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Orphan

너는
잃어버린 아버지였다.
비록
이번 생에 서로 모른척하더라도,
그 그리움의 크기까지 외면하지는 말자.
사랑한다.
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Groom

내가 재산을 얼마를 아들을 주건 네가 무슨 상관이냐던
안구 건조증이 심하고 눈이 아려와
늘 힘들어하던
다리 발 무릎 심장 얼굴 이빨 눈
뭐 하나 성한 데가 없는
넌 언제 손주 언겨줄꺼냐 더 이상 못기다리겠다던
엄마는 
어떤 신랑을 좋아할까. 
난 기본적으로 기생충에 썩지 않은 놈
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짜장면

합격하면....
고속터미널 가서 
짜장면 한 그릇 해야겠다....
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Desert peace

는 개뿔 외롭다.