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Blank <Dale Scogings / Unsplash>

Lover # 51


그가 물었다:

- What are you interested in


내가 답했다: 

- THe world.


그가 다시 물었다.

- Why. Do you like it?


내가 답했다.

-No. Just I have to study that till the end of this life time.


그가 물었다.

- Is it obligatory?


내가 답했다.

- It's my mission in this life, despite all this pain and sorrow.



다른 글들
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Bring it all back - S club 7

Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the World see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you
Hold on to what you try to be your individuality, 
When the world is on your shoulders, 
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down, 
just walk on by don't turn around;
You only have to answer to yourself,
Don't you know its true what they say, 
That life it ain' t easy,
But your time is coming around
Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you, 
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get to tough,
Bring it all back to you.
Try not to worry about a thing, 
Enjoy the good times life can bring,
Keep good all the solitude,
Got to let the feeling show,
Imagination is the key,
Because you are your own destiny, 
Never should be lonely when time is on your side.
Don't you know its true what they say, 
Things are said to try you, 
But your times is coming around,
(So don't stop trying) 
Don't stop, never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top, 
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you,
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of, 
When the world seems to get to tough, 
Bring it all back to you.
Don't you know its true what they say,
Things happen for a reason,
But you times coming around,
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I can't name it

Hunger 라고 했다가, 
Passion 이라고 했다가, 
Loneliness 라고 바꿔야 할까, 
A sense of loss 라고 해야 할까, 
Lonesomeness 라고 했다가, 
sense of defeat, & alienation 일까,

그냥 일하기가 싫은가, 
그냥 고행을 마다하고 싶은가. 
결혼을 해야 되나, 

피아노를 사야 되나. 
거문고에 술 마시던 몸 때문인가,

대화가 부족한가 - 오늘 고귀한 영혼과 이미 대화하고 마음자리 다 짚었는데.
(게다가, invitation 까지.)

감성 (感性)이 결핍되었나,
there must be so many things in life, but I will sense only good virtue to make me happy.
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Who smiles at it

I LUV TRUMP
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Gosh.... I can't believe it

' 도저히 불가능할 거라 생각했는데, 해냈어!!
내가 가지고 있는 수 많은 요소 중에서 뭐가 해낸 것일까'

라고 잠시 생각을 했다가, 
금새 깨달았다.
아, 내가 한 게 아니라, 그들이 한 거구나... 
나는 다른 사람들의 노력과 땀을 가벼이 여기는 사람이 되지는 않을 것이다.
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.
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Square

April dream

can it be my dream?
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무조건, 막 쓰기엔 씬디가 딱인거죠!

제대로 쓰려 말고, 무조건 써라
- 제임스 서버
Don't get it right, just get it written.

- James Thurber
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지금 내게 바라는 것

Don't care about what others think, as long as I like it. Just do what I want to do.
It is alright even if it turns out to be total failure. I am worthy enough to take risks and failure. So.. even if I fail something by doing what I like, it totally worth it.
I deserve to be myself.
I deserve to fail.
I deserve to be worth risks.
no more hesitation because I am afraid of
failure.
what others will not like.
wasting money or time or effort.
Because I totally worth it.
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위안

중국돈 이야기가 아니다.
어디에서도 위안을 받을 수 있다는 이야기다. 
솔직히 지금 난 그로기 상태에 몰려서 당장이라도 쓰러져도 이상하지 않을 상태지만, 버티고 있다. 
그냥 쓰러져버리면 될 것을, 뭐라고 버틴다. 
당장 쓰러져서 길바닥에 쓰러져서 요즘 부쩍 많아진 까마귀들이 내 주위를 떠돈다고 해도 전혀 이상할 일이 없다. 그런 삶이자 그런 몸뚱이니까. 까악 까악.
그렇다고, 구걸하는 것도 아니다. 적어도 날 알아야 이런 상황에서 이야기를 해줄 수 있지. 그러니, 쓸 데 없는 짓들은 말라고. I mean it.
지금 내게 필요한 것은 차가운 겨울 바람이다.
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perfume than eau de cologne

 Gong asked " Lee.......what is the smell? soap?"
I said, "No...it's perfume"

Gong asked "why do you wear that?"
I answered, "because wine is not enought for me."
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they will offer you

The sheeps are in the field

And somehow the dog's being chased
Maybe it needs some help
But the sheeps are all black
Still running, the dog
Maybe already bitten in its mind
She's alright she's fine
As long as she's breathing she'll never be exhausted
It's okay, the four kind friends tell her
Stop running and come to us but she cannot hear
My black dog with golden spots
Still running in the field
Losing her way home, losing her memories
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씬디 느낌

옛날에 웹이 처음 나오고 글을 쓰려면 HTML을 사용해서 페이지 하나를 만들어야 했다. 
거기엔 자기소개글을 정성스럽게 썻고 글 마지막에는 이메일 주소를 첨부해 궁금한 점은 메일로 소통해야했는데...
메일도 전송이 잘 안되는 경우가 허다했다. 
그리곤 게시판이 등장 했는데... 리플 개념, 이건 완전 신세계
그때는 별거도 아닌 이야기를 많은 사람들이 쓰고 덧글도 남기고 하다가.. 갑자기 벙개도 열고 그랬다. 
호스팅 임대처럼 게시판도 무료로 임대해주는 서비스가 등장했는데.. 지금 기억에 남는  서비스는
'크레이지 보드' 
이걸 홈페이지에서 제일 많이 사용했던걸로 기억한다. 그 이후에 제로보드의 강세로 완전 망했지만... 
씬디는 그때 게시판 느낌이 난다. 처음으로 인터넷을 통해 글을 남겼던 그런 느낌들...  
뭐라고 쓸까? 고민을 하다가 학교에서 있었던 일? 그런걸 썼던거 같다. 
그 후 조회수를 계속 보고 덧글도 확인하고.. 가볍게 메일도 주고 받고 했었던 추억.
(지금와서 생각해보면 그때 it에 대한 가능성을 못 본게 아쉽다.)
커뮤니티가 아니라 친목도 전문성이 없어도 가볍게 글을 쓸 수 있어서 좋다. 
그리고 회원가입하면 부여된 숫자는 뭔가 동질감을 느끼게 해준다. 
사실 처음에는 아이디를  인디언식 이름을 임의로 부여해주면 어떨까? 싶었는데(주먹쥐고 일어서 같은 식) 장기적으로 봤을때 숫자가 심플하고 좋은거 같기도 하다.