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Lovers #24


사랑해. 

I am in love with you

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I hate you but, I love you

 나는 사람 사는데에 누군가를 싫어한다거나 하는 일은 어디에서나 존재한다고 생각한다. 이 글을 쓰는 나는 누군가를 싫어한다. 그렇지만 나는 어떤 친구를 싫어하는게 아니다.
 내 혈육이자, 내 가족, 나와 비슷한 피가 흐르는 나의 남동생을 혐오에 가까울 정도로 싫어한다.
 그를 안을 때마다 나는 그에게 사랑해 라고 말하지만,사실은 역겹고 더럽다. 혐오스럽다.
 그가 나에게 입맞춤을 해 올 때마다 분명히 나는 웃고 있지만, 이대로 계단으로 밀어뜨려 죽이고 싶다는 충동이 생긴다.
 사실, 그 아이는 내게 뭔가 실질적인 피해를 입힌다거나 그런 일을 한 적이 없다. 그는 나를 사랑한다. 그가 내게 했던 일은 그저 나와 함께 살지 못하고, 더 이상 내 옆에 있어주지 못하는 것이였다. 
 내 집착은 나를 옭아메고 갉아먹었다. 손목은 자해가 남긴 상처들로 빨갛고 보기 흉해졌다. 우울증과 정신착란, 강박 때문에 내 정신과 내 몸은 망가져 갔고 그 결과는 누가 내 자신인지 모르는 이중인격이 만들어졌다. 
 그를 진심으로 싫어하고 있지만, 이따금씩 이성을 잃으면서까지 그를 그리워 하는 내 모습을 볼 때마다 의문이 든다. 
 이 바보같은 모습은 연민에서 우러나온 것일까, 사랑에서 우러나오는 것일까, 헛된 미련일까?
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You are my love belt

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Love

안녕하세요!
이 씬디를 이용하는 사람들 몇명이나 있을까요?
1000명도 넘겠죠
그중 내가 아는 사람는 한명도 없어요
그래도 난 내 글을 보는 사람들 모두 사랑할게요
그니까 내 글을 보는 여러분도 절 사랑해줘요
어떸 사람이 이글을 보고선
무슨 미친#이지? 할지라도
난 괜찮아요 어차피 모르는 사람인걸요?
내가 여러분을 사랑할 테니까
여러분은 이제 여러분을 사랑해 주는 사람이
최소 한명은 있는 거에요
힘나는 일 아닌가요?
여러분이 이 글을 일고 웃으며 생각해 준다면
난 1000명도 넘는 사람에게 사랑받고 있는거에요
힘냅시다 힘!
힘든 세상에도 기쁨과 희망과 사랑이 있으니까요
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Love

남을 사랑하기 전에 
나를 사랑할 줄 알아야 해. 
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Love

사랑은 나 자신이다
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Love

-나 자신을 사랑하자.
누구의 말이더라.
기억이 나지 않는다.
나는 그저 '모두'의 말이었을 것이라고 생각할 뿐이었다.
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Love is Love

나는 널 사랑했어
너도 날 사랑했어
하지만 세상 사람들 모두가 이건 사랑이 아니래
왜?우리들은 서로 사랑하는데?왜 사랑이 아니라는걸까?이 감정이 사랑이 아니면 뭐야?왜 그런 눈으로 우리를 바라보는거야?
우리는 평범한 사랑을 하는거란말이야
당신들과....여러분과 똑같은 사랑을 우리는 하고 있어요.....
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love yourself

너 자신을 사랑해라
but
사랑은 스스로 해라
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Stuck In Love

커튼 사이로 보인다. 붉은, 아니 자주빛에 가까운 달. 흔들리는 차의 흔들리는 창가. 그 사이 사이로 보였다, 사라졌다, 또 보였다, 사라졌다...
아아, 나는 너와 사랑에 빠질것 같아.
나에게 너를 허락해줄듯 허락하지 않는 미치도록 매혹적인, 너와.
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거짓말

Im so sorry but i love you 다 거짓말
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Bring it all back - S club 7

Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the World see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you
Hold on to what you try to be your individuality, 
When the world is on your shoulders, 
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down, 
just walk on by don't turn around;
You only have to answer to yourself,
Don't you know its true what they say, 
That life it ain' t easy,
But your time is coming around
Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you, 
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get to tough,
Bring it all back to you.
Try not to worry about a thing, 
Enjoy the good times life can bring,
Keep good all the solitude,
Got to let the feeling show,
Imagination is the key,
Because you are your own destiny, 
Never should be lonely when time is on your side.
Don't you know its true what they say, 
Things are said to try you, 
But your times is coming around,
(So don't stop trying) 
Don't stop, never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top, 
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you,
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of, 
When the world seems to get to tough, 
Bring it all back to you.
Don't you know its true what they say,
Things happen for a reason,
But you times coming around,
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.