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Lovers # 49



너의 Highself에 경배하고,

나의 High self 를 인정하여,

Namaste 하며,

Life time 을 울리는

싱잉볼 처럼 되자.

다른 글들
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The juice of life

Have you ever been destroyed?
I have... 
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life is torment

오늘,

프로그램 디버깅이 드.디.어. 끝났다. 
힘이 막 넘쳐
마약 먹은 사람 처럼 하이 해져가지고

피트니스 센터 tread mill 에서 BGM 리듬에 맞춰 혼자 점벙 점벙 뛰었다. 
역시 압박감, 중압감이란 건 사람을 무기력하게 해.
이렇게 energetic 하고 박력있는 사람을.


또다시,

지금 나를 고통스럽게 하는 것은: 
- 인건비 변경
- 연말 정산

고통의 원인은, 이 일을 누군가 해주길 바라는 마음일테고,

나에겐 그것이 결핍되어 있기에 고통으로 처리 되어 지금 쎼주 한잔 하는 것이다.

그래서 다시 일기장을 열어, 꾹꾹 눌러 쓴 고마우신 분들의 가르침을 다시 상기시킨다.

"........내가 걱정하는 일이 발생한다고 해서, 내 삶이 실패한 것은 아니야.

삶은 내가 생각할 수 없는 방식으로

나를 성장시키고 사랑하고 있어.

난 삶을 믿어...."

* 목표: 30분 안에 해치우기.
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시계



remaining life time 대략 15년.
이제, 삶을 정리하고 본론에 집중해 마무리에 들어가야 할 때다.
 
서유기에 따르면,

한 명의 중생을 구제하기 위해 아 홉번의 생을 거듭한다고 한다.

그러면 900년.

내 전생과 딱 맞아 떨어지는 time interval이고,

요다의 lifespan과도 딱 맞아 떨어지는 시간이다.
나는 변치 않았으되, 세상은 참 많이도 변하였다.

그래서 나는 내 orbiting 이 옳다는 것을 알았다.

그래서 나는 누구를 higher level로 승격시켰는가,

그것을 어찌 살아 있는 동안 짦은 눈으로 섣불리 판단할 수 있겠는가 마는,

분명한 것은

무엇을 가르쳐야 할지 확실히 알고 있다는 것이다.
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life is egg
삶은 계란이라 하던가.
아직 껍질은 까지 않은 기대감 부푼 계란.
아직 10대의 내 삶.
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내가 삶에서 중요하게 생각하는 것은 명료하다.

내 life mission 은
사람들을 칭찬해주고, 그들에게서 가치를 끌어내려고 하며,

자연과 예술에 감탄하며, 
우주에 경배하는 것이다. 
어떻게 하면 더 잘 그렇게 할까 늘 고민하고 연구한다.
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Bring it all back - S club 7

Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the World see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you
Hold on to what you try to be your individuality, 
When the world is on your shoulders, 
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down, 
just walk on by don't turn around;
You only have to answer to yourself,
Don't you know its true what they say, 
That life it ain' t easy,
But your time is coming around
Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you, 
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get to tough,
Bring it all back to you.
Try not to worry about a thing, 
Enjoy the good times life can bring,
Keep good all the solitude,
Got to let the feeling show,
Imagination is the key,
Because you are your own destiny, 
Never should be lonely when time is on your side.
Don't you know its true what they say, 
Things are said to try you, 
But your times is coming around,
(So don't stop trying) 
Don't stop, never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top, 
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you,
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of, 
When the world seems to get to tough, 
Bring it all back to you.
Don't you know its true what they say,
Things happen for a reason,
But you times coming around,
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협상

상대의 needs 는 확실했다.

국가 중심주의와 특정 상황에 대한 긴밀한 관계를 고수하기 때문에,

고립되어 있었다. 
나는 그것을 해소해 줄 수 있는 연결고리가 있었다.

- long long long single life 를 견뎌내며... (??? 응?)

이룬 내 성과.

자, 내가 갖은 것을 나눠줄께.

너네도 니네가 쌓아 올린 벽과 문을 내게 열라고.

아님, 이민 가 버릴꺼니까.
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.
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난 니가 지겨워

그는 확신에 가득차 있다.
나에 대해서 자기가 더 잘안다며, 내 핵심 가치를 무참하게 부인한다.
아니라고, 아니라고 하자, 목소리를 높여 소리를 친다.
'넌 이거야' 라며.
그는 참 가르칠게 많다.
내가 다른 사람들과 무슨 관계가 오고가는지 알지도 못하면서 이렇게 해라 저렇게 해라 단정짓는다.
내가 남들을 만나든 말든 그가 가르칠 문제는 아니다.
나는 나를 파괴할 권리가 있으며, 좋은 사람을 만나든 악당을 만나든 내 권한이다.
그런데 그는 그걸 이해를 못한다.
좋은 남자를 만나라고 가르치신다.
누구 누구도 좋은 사람이니까 인사하란다.
지가 엄마야?
자기 생식기에서 일어나는 일을 낱낱이 다 이야기 하고 싶어하는 그.
자기 sex life 가 어떻고 자기가 엔조이하는 남자들하고 어떤 애무를 했는지 사생활에 대해
다 얘기하는 그가 싫다. 아, 노출증 정신병이 있나?
원래 유엔병자들이 고지식하고 융통성이 없고 경직되어 있는데다 알음알음으로 인맥을 통하기 때문에,
수 천개 옵션 중에 한 개 밖에 생각을 못하고 기괴스럽게도 성적으로 강박관념이 심각하다.
그래서, 대통령될려고 동성애를 정치적으로 이용할 정도의 비정상적인 성도착을 가지고 있고,
자기들이 스토킹하는 젊은 여성을 sex and the city 라고 하는 싸구려 3류 미국 드라마의 틀에 가두어 놓는 무식함의 소유자들이다.  본인이 그런 작고 폐쇠적인 렌즈로 자기를 본다면, 그들만의 개성으로 봐줄 수 있는데,
내 개인 정보도 달랜다. 미친년. 난  민주당 정신병 없어. 내가 힐러린 줄 아니? 1년 내내 피임약 달고 사는 미국년인줄 아니?
난 분명히 우정으로써 헌신(?) 했고 충실했다고 생각한다.
그러나 더 이상 companion으로써의 필요가 없어지자,
자기 고등학교 부터 친하던 친구에게 쪼르르 달려가버리고
자기는 걔를 만나야 한다며 나를 거절하더니
이제와서 또 만나자고 지랄? 또, 뭐가 필요해졌나 보지.
어쩌나, 가르침과 훈계를 생각만 해도 지겨운 걸.
내가 원래 사람을 경계한다고? 헐....
아니야, 난 콕 찎어서, 조선일보와 삼성, KAIST 를 피해다닐 뿐이야.
니들이 줄 대고 있으니까.
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명상

을 그만둬야할 지도 모르겠다....
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코스모폴리탄

이 곳은
누군가에겐 암흑이고 공포요 짐이겠지만
나에겐 그저 낯선 도시일 뿐
그래서
가벼운 아침을 맞이하게 한다. 
가벼운 마음,
텅 빈 머리,
안녕?