글쓰기 메뉴
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2nd time

몇 번째지...
이제
요괴한테 져주는 거 그만할래.
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시계



remaining life time 대략 15년.
이제, 삶을 정리하고 본론에 집중해 마무리에 들어가야 할 때다.
 
서유기에 따르면,

한 명의 중생을 구제하기 위해 아 홉번의 생을 거듭한다고 한다.

그러면 900년.

내 전생과 딱 맞아 떨어지는 time interval이고,

요다의 lifespan과도 딱 맞아 떨어지는 시간이다.
나는 변치 않았으되, 세상은 참 많이도 변하였다.

그래서 나는 내 orbiting 이 옳다는 것을 알았다.

그래서 나는 누구를 higher level로 승격시켰는가,

그것을 어찌 살아 있는 동안 짦은 눈으로 섣불리 판단할 수 있겠는가 마는,

분명한 것은

무엇을 가르쳐야 할지 확실히 알고 있다는 것이다.
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Lovers # 49

너의 Highself에 경배하고,
나의 High self 를 인정하여,
Namaste 하며,
Life time 을 울리는
싱잉볼 처럼 되자.
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좌절의 긍정적인 측면

좌절했을 때도 
긍정적인 측면이 있다. 
약 먹지 않고도 불면증를 치료할 수 있다. 
2달 만에, evening time 에 10 시간 잔 게 처음이지? 
꿈도 안꾸고.
대박~
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위스키를 마시며

1. 10년 만에 미국에 갔더니, 연락 오고 난리다. 아, 난 정보 빠른 사람 별로 안좋아하는데. 반갑냐고. 그걸말이라고해. 당연히 반갑지. 아니, 고맙지. 다만, 내가 찌질해서 그걸 받아들일 수 있을런지모르겠어서
이걸 적고 있잖아, 지금.

2. 그렇다고 정보 느린 ㅊㅈ라고 좋아할까. 왜, 하필, 막강한 여자의 남편이 ㅊㅈ의 지도교수인거야. 세상이 이렇게 좁아. 지금 MBC 막장 드라마 찍냐고.
3. 나중에, 나 교수 되면 그 때 연락하자. 그 때가 되면, 내가 먼저 찾을께. 
4. 영원하지 안잖아. 이 짓을, 겨우 15년 정도 더 해먹는다고 하면, 물 들어왔을 때, 노 저을려고. 비록, 안정감도 없고, 밥그릇도 없지만. 내 사상을 세상에 뿌릴려고. 지금까지 정신 없이 달려왔는데 10년 지났어. 마치 한 낮의 꿈만 같은데, 그게 10년이래. 그러면 앞으로도 한 낮의 꿈 한 번만 더 꿀께. 그럼 10년 채우겠네 뭘. 그럼, 벌써 종말이야. 이 지랄 염병에 난리 부르스를 떤 한 인생이 끝나. 이 난리 부르스가 끝난다고. 그 전에 어서 어서 Nature 논문도 써 보고, 무슨 direction인지도 주창해 볼려고. 어차피, time's up 하면 영화가 끝날테니까 말이야.

5. K, 나는 어떤 인간인 걸까.
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hyuuuuuuuun

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-founder and publisher of De Correspondent, a Dutch journalism platform that broke the world record in journalism 
crowdfunding and now has 28,000 paying subscribers (€60 p/y), I’m spending a lot of my time working on our
Refining the path our readers tak
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지금 내게 바라는 것

Don't care about what others think, as long as I like it. Just do what I want to do.
It is alright even if it turns out to be total failure. I am worthy enough to take risks and failure. So.. even if I fail something by doing what I like, it totally worth it.
I deserve to be myself.
I deserve to fail.
I deserve to be worth risks.
no more hesitation because I am afraid of
failure.
what others will not like.
wasting money or time or effort.
Because I totally worth it.
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Bring it all back - S club 7

Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the World see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you
Hold on to what you try to be your individuality, 
When the world is on your shoulders, 
Just smile and let it go,
If people try to put you down, 
just walk on by don't turn around;
You only have to answer to yourself,
Don't you know its true what they say, 
That life it ain' t easy,
But your time is coming around
Don't stop, never give up, 
Hold your head high and reach the top,
Let the world see what you have got, 
Bring it all back to you, 
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of,
When the world seems to get to tough,
Bring it all back to you.
Try not to worry about a thing, 
Enjoy the good times life can bring,
Keep good all the solitude,
Got to let the feeling show,
Imagination is the key,
Because you are your own destiny, 
Never should be lonely when time is on your side.
Don't you know its true what they say, 
Things are said to try you, 
But your times is coming around,
(So don't stop trying) 
Don't stop, never give up,
Hold your head high and reach the top, 
Let the world see what you have got,
Bring it all back to you,
Dream of falling in Love,
Anything you've been thinking of, 
When the world seems to get to tough, 
Bring it all back to you.
Don't you know its true what they say,
Things happen for a reason,
But you times coming around,
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Being me

"Mom,Mom! Are you alright? Where are you?" If something goes wrong with her it's will all be my fault. I shouldn't have leaved her alone and come to Forks..."Bella? Bella, bella! Bella, where are you?" Rènee! She's here, she's alive. She's going to be okay...
I've never given much thought to how I would die-though I'd had reason enough in the last few months- but even if I had, I would have not imagined it like this. Still, I can't get myself to regret this decision. The decision that made me come here to die. Because I loved her as much as I loved Edward.
"Bella, Bella!"
"Mom, I suck."
"You do not suck! You're a wonderful dancer."
"Everybody is making fun of me…"
 This talk was oddly farmilliar. Then I knew.
 "No..." It was all I could say. He tricked me to death. 
I thought I was ready, But I wasn't. I was never ready. Even I don't die and become a vampire, I will not be able to live. I wasn't ready. Yet. Or I thought I wasn't.
"Oh...dear...You were a stuborn child, wern't you?" His cruel voice was screeching. It was too horrifying but also beautiful. "What have you done to her??" He must be out of mind. "Don't worry. She's safe in Jacksonville. She doesn't even know you're here." At least my mother was safe. "But still, you made things too easy...It isn't much fun. Is it? I wanted to see your dear Edward's feeble atempt to save you. So, to make things more entertainainig, I'll send this little film of our time together to your mate. Is it okay?" No! Then, he'll be in danger…"No! Absolutely not! He...he has nothing to do with this!" But he merly chuckled. "He absolutly has every thing to do with this. I borrowed this camera from your house, and I hope you don't mind. Good. And, Action!" 
What? 
He was a monster. A cruel monster who played with his food. I was the victim tonight. 
Edward, Edward! 
The moment we kissed for the first time shook my thoughts. It was all I could think about. If I have to die, I will die a graceful death, thingking the happiest moment in my life. I could almost see his pale white, blazing cold fingers wiping my warm cheekbones all the way to my lips and collarbones.
I could die for him. I just wished that victoria wouldn't touch him. 
No. He was strong enough. He will survive through this. I know it.
But me...I was just a fragile human. Too easy to break. Even James just flings a finger, my head could brek in a second.
But I still had to survive this. Run away if possible.
How could I distract him?
                                         ~oOo~
"Bella, take this pepper spray. This will make me a bit more relived."
 "Well...I don't know…I mean, all thus animal attacks, it happens very rarely." 
"Please. I bet Edward will approve it too. He's like crazy about your safety."
                                         ~oOo~
I don't know why, but this memory just popped out of my head. It wasn't for sure but, this might work. But not for long.
"Tchhh" Suddenly, my feet seemed to be glued on the floor. I couldn't move. I was scared.
"Ha, Ha, Ha. Did you reay think that the pepper spray will work?" He was furious at me for trying to live. But what else could I do? Just sit down and wait for my life to end? I had to do something. And then, he tossed me like anrag doll. "CRACK!" Oww… My head was bleeding. Wait, blood? He was a vampire. He was not even a vegetarian.
"Tell him!! Tell him how much it hurts!!" Suddenly, he pressed my leg under his foot with all his strength. I couldn't feel anything for a second. But then, the pain struck me. My leg was snapping under his freezingly cold fingers. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. I had to make it go away. But how? I tried to scream. But his too-tight-fingers were pressing my lips like a cold stone, making me unable to say anything. I had to do something.
No, that was not the important thing. I couldn't see well because of my blazzing pain but, I could feel his icy lips on my left arm.
I thought 'I will die.'
And then, the coldness was gone. Other coldness filled me again. But now, it was a familia and cozy coldness.
My nosetrills flared. I could smell Edward's raspberry-mint flavoured breath. I had to have it more. It made my pain go away. I had to gulp the air around me.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'll take you to carlisle and treat you." His velvet voice made my every single bodypart melt. I could taste his sweet flavour. Treating my broken leg was not the important thing now. Being with him was.
"Edward….Edward, don't go! Don't…" He stood up suddenly. Don't go! I can't live without you! I don't need anything in except for you. "I'm not going anywhere. Hold on tight." His pained whisper made my heart reap. He shouldn't be in pain. Was he hurt? Then I knew. He was not hurt. Watching me hurt was hurting him.
"We'll jump." Then, we bounced up in the sky. I thought we were free.
But we wern't.
"I won't let you go." James had jump to make us fall.
We crashed down the hall. I could see clearly again. James was strangling edward's neck!
"You came here because you are faster than the others. But not stronger." He was lunatic. Absolutely lethal as Laurent said.
"I'm strong enough to kill you!"
But then, he crashed into the floor. James was strong. He began to run. But where was he runing to? He was getting closer to me by every second.
"No!" He was coming to bite me.
Edward! Please come and save me!
But he was nowhere near me and the lunatic vampire was crouching toward me. His cold hands covered my ankles. I tried to get out of his hand but he was too strong.
It all happened in a second. At first it was a pleasant warmth. But as the clock ticked by, it grew hotter and hotter. 
Warm. Hot. Fire. Too much fire!
I had too much fire in my body. My bones was shreiking in pain. It was a pain beyond pain. No one would know this pain if he havn't felt it.
James, snapping my legs under his foot. That was nothing. That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed. I'd take that now, a hundred times. A hundred snaps. I'd take it and be grateful.
Deep blue sea, drowning my breathes, trying to kill me. That was nothing. That was a floating in the cool pool. I'd take it a thousand times. Take it and be grateful.
"Carlisle!" Edward shouted for Carlisle. "We need to cure broken leg." No! Please make the fire go away! My broken leg wasn't important now. My left hand was burning fire. Not only my arm but my entire body was. "Alice, tie her legs upper than my hands. Unfasten your belt." His voice was buisness-like.
 Then he saw my arm where it was bitten by james.
Now, his voice turned iike he was in a great hurry.
"He bit her. We need to suck her venom out. Or there actually is another option...We could simply let the change happen."
The change? Me being vampire? It was a better option but my pain was too big to fight off.
I wanted him to suck up my venom. But will he be able to stop? We still had to try.
"Edward. Suck. The venom. Out. Now!"
It was all I could say. I could scream but, it was no good after all.
Seconds ticked by.
Did edward suck my venom up? 
No he didn't. I didn't feel the pain shrinking. I was becoming one of them. I knew that it was too late to suck it. 
The venom had already reached my heart.
                                         ~oOo~
[Edward]
When I arrived, James was almost biting her ankle. I don't think, I just lunge. I never have imagined that I would sacrifice myself for a little girl in my existance.
I never knew what was Alice like to Jasper.
I never understood clearly why they would rather die than to live alone.
But now, after a hundred years of practice for this very moment, I resisted human blood. When Carlisle told that resisting will make me more caring and loving, I didn't knew what he was talking about, but I could understand it now.
I never felt somthing similar to 'love' exept for my familly.
But the girl, a fragile, small and vulnerable girl made me feel that thing.
When she came into my life, when I finally found what a love was, when I first saw her, 
my heart began to beat again.
I was smiling again.
I found myself crazed and dazed by her small little smile.
It was like a midsummer night's dream.